Today

So Trudy dusted off the boob tube and hooked it up to the satellite so we could watch the State of the Union address.

Yawn and drool.

I wish someone would tell Clinton he's a Democrat - he won the election - Bush and Quayle lost. Duh. Sixty some-odd minutes of "family values" and "evil big government" - and those great Reagan-esque anecdotes - "pulling babies from the burning offices." But the best part of the whole evening was Bob Dole in too much rouge, even compared to Trudy, doing an imitation of George Bush trying to imitate Ronald Reagan. It made me hungry. You sure can't beat Dole and his "liberal elite." I was wondering who was responsible for global recession, homelessness, the war in Bosnia, and my bowels. I think I need to go out.

And the damsel in distress in the balcony - Hillary - trying not to look like she's trying to look like Nancy Reagan (she wears blue, don't you know). But Bill stood by her, just like a good lead man should. I had to bite Abattoir, he was giggling.

What a week Hillary had. Thank God Al D'Amato has her on the run. No one can ever say D'Amato doesn't stand for justice - in the Grand Old Party's Nixon/McCarthy tradition. They even got her in front of a grand jury - away from the "protection of the White House" (whatever). I'll bet she melted in front of them, being a woman and all. And I'll bet she left those papers out on a table in her quarters. That's where I would leave volatile, subpoenaed documents that I had claimed I couldn't locate. What do I know, I'm a dog. Yeah, Al D'Amato has got a live one - and a strong, intelligent woman at that - those are the worst. It's worth all the tens of millions of dollars this circus is costing just to make an example of her.

If only her husband had her balls. For that matter, if only I did (I miss them so). But, alas, Bill "it's-O.K.-'cause-I-didn't-inhale" Clinton is leading us. Anybody got a light?

All this talk of D'Amato reminds me ...

Bowel Report
On the verge of something on a grand scale, prognosis not necessarily positive.