Easter-Bonnet-gate April 15, 1996 (and more)
I cannot let this weeks entry go by without a special edition containing the E-mailstorm that erupted in the trailerpark this week with the (once again) controversial Easter Bonnet Competition. Every year it is the same confusion. This is a tale of deceit, paranoia, delusions of grandeur, fixed judges, Baptist churches, Senators from North Carolina, the National Endowment of the Arts, multiple personalities and southern gentility.

I just had to reprint all of this for you not on the original list... it is too juicy! I fully give credit to my talented and creative gals who all live in tasteful double wides in the Triangle-Trailerpark!

N.B. Some of the name have been changed to protect the innocent!

OKAY...today...On a *very* special Verlene:

My reporter in the Field Rhonda Rooter (Rhoda's Very much younger sister) starts out:

While I was still in Mourning over the passing of my dear Aunt Ophelia, I attended the 1996 Triangle Easter Bonnet Princess and Weinie Roast over to Durham this past Sunday. Coming straight from the funeral, I had really sling a few bobby pins to get there on time. But, boy was it worth the trip. What a scene.....

Oh the bitter seething that permeated the atmosphere like static electricity...

As the 1996 Easter Bonnet Princess was announced. Surely, the Mega Flower basket lady or that one with the Bird On Her Head would win. But NO, in a surprise announcement that shocked even the dimwitted old-timers, the prize was awarded to the petite Alpine-flower headpiece that displayed "simplicity, wearability and creativity in the best combination" . Missy Shell displayed the shock and joy that is usually reserved for Miss Texas or Miss California.

Her acceptance speech is as follows!

I just wanted to take a few minutes out of my busy day (what with press agents, photographers, and social engagements) to thank all of you for your participation in the past pageant in Durham. Your hard work and talents were obvious, and made the event even more glamorous. Even though I have the title (and prize basket) as the reigning Easter Bonnet Princess, you are ALL WINNERS in my eyes. So keep your head high and (to quote a famous mc) keep reaching for the stars!
The scattered bitter and cynical losers were overheard saying, "who ever heard of a simple Easter Bonnet" or "this whole thing was fixed from the start" or "you just can't trust a bunch of pissyass bitches". There was some disdain, but most joined in the joy of the Day and lauded the Princess with kudos and kisses. Soon, order was restored and the roasting began. Actually, some retired to the sitting room for the soothing tones of good Mozart, while the more CATTY of the bunch began to roast the Swan Lady over an open spit on the back deck.

The surroundings were pretty and quite beautiful, if a bit too straightlaced for my sensibilities and the refreshments were real nice, esp. the spam on rye and those Little Debbie Spice Cakes and a good time was had by all....well, most anyway. Thus, Spring has been welcomed and now if we could just get some warmer weather........My tootsies just don't like it so chilly.

Well Marcia started the E-mailstorm off with this doozy:
Dearest Missy -

It so did my heart good, seeing you win the "Miss Easter Bonnet Princess" basket last Sunday. My eyes teared-up, much the way they do when I watch Jerry's kids take that last lap around the WRAL channel 5 studio singing that special tune of triumph. The competition on Sunday could have been a typical and ugly display of passing out prizes based on talent or achievement - - - I'm so glad we've risen above all that! In fact I had that warm feeling one gets, when watching the special Olympics, where even the last kid in the race gets a ribbon - - - just for shear effort ! Golly, your heart just about tips over! The whole experience made me reflect on those "miss congeniality awards," you know, the prizes that are given to those "slightly" heavy girls with average-looks, who haven't placed in the running for the actual crown, but who have just-so-much-personality! - - - I mean, why shouldn't they have a token to carry home every once-in-a-while?

So as I reflect on issues like competition, I have to ask myself: "do I, who has a great job, a wonderful boyfriend, a fabulous place to live, popularity & looks & charm really need to win another contest?" Well of course the answer is obvious - - - I just fixed up my own little basket of bath-oil bead, exotic flavored coffees (for celebrating the moments of my life) and peppermint foot massage lotion, and went off to have some really fabulous sex. You know it's really nifty being me!

Much love,

Marcia Zoom Zoom Bach
(whose not at all bitter, . . . really)

I, Verlene Long-LaBois, was a little peeved! And responded:
As the winner of several "Miss Congeniality" awards, I take high offense to your comments. Those awards are hard work! You think that is easy being ""slightly" heavy", having "average-looks" and being nice to all of you pretty little anorexic things? It ain't! As a reminder, even in Special Olympics, you can get disqualified for not playing by the rules!

And was supported!
Hey, Miss Zoom Zoom --

I agree totally. It's nice to see judges who have sensitivity toward those who don't have a lot. In fact, I think more of us should consider wearing drab, plain, Depression-era bonnets as a sign of solidarity toward our "Miss Not-So-Fortunate" sistren.

Yours in Christ,
Gloxinia Chavez

Rhonda Tried to interceded:
Surely, can't we all just get along. I think it may be time for a Peace Summit. Maybe then some of this wicked bitterness can be worked out for the good of all involved. Truly if we can get the average looking, bad looking and pretty people together we can resolve all of this in genteel and queenly fashion that would benefit all who are involved.

OK, OK So I'm actually looking for a cat fight and another social event to attend. But I do think everyone should take a good long look in the mirror (hopefully it wont crack), and decide how he/she can best channel (and I don't mean Channelling Joan Crawford) the animosity and resentment into something useful, like new fashion tips or decorating ideas, God knows we need them in this two bit town.

Anyway, I have proselytized (whew!) enough. Does anyone have any good NEWS to share that I can send. On the Bonnet front, I can only report that one Ms. Sillier was quite miffed on Sunday, but has since calmed considerably and is thinking of sending her bonnet over to First Baptist to use as the altar arrangement on the "In Remembrance of Me" Table on Sunday morning. I told her fake flowers were tacky, but you cant tell her anything.

Marcia was back on track!
Not unlike our Miss Jeffrena, I was struck with what to do with my Easter bonnet now that Easter has passed. One simply can't pack that sort of thing away to wear next year - - - yikes, how tacky - - - and I don't belong to First Baptist, nor for that matter to any house of worship that has an "In Remembrance of Me" table. The thought of just tossing it out did come to me, but then a "wee" little voice from deep inside my bosom shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY - - - GIVE INTO THIS THROW-AWAY CULTURE? USE IT ONCE AND THEN TOSS IT, YOU PATHETIC- HYPOCRITE- LAME- EXCUSE- FOR- A- LIBERAL- YOU." I soon realized the voice was that of my 16th personality, "little" Margeretta Berkenstock. Well, I asked Margeretta to take her thyroid medicine and lead a consensus building session with the other 28 people who inhabit my body, so we could come to a decision that, while not perfect, would be one everyone could live with. The group came together in solidarity around the idea of "yard art."

With that, I donned my genuine- made in Holland -garden clogs, my best Olivia de Havilland sun bonnet (circa 1965), and a pair of "sturdy man" all purpose work gloves and set out for the tool shed. First I weather-proofed my Easter bonnet with "ease-z-all" all weather deck sealant - - - the feathers were a bit of a challenge. Then I mounted my creation on an 8-foot post in the middle of the spring tulip garden. As a finishing touch, I sprinkled bird seed around the brim of the hat - to attract my little feathered friends, and wham! - - - not only is it art, it's practical as well!

You know, being me is a picnic every day!

Jacqui worries about Marcia et al.
Marcia (or margaretta):

First, I'm very curious about this multiple-personality disorder of yours: (a) did all of your personalities agree on the style of the Easter bonnet? (b) how do you manage to package so many free-thinkers in that teeny-tiny little head of yours? (c) this isn't just some lame excuse to continue your bitterness, i.e. by living through it with each of your personalities.

But the real reason I chose to respond: I think you should sell your creation to the city of Raleigh. I heard "time and space" bagged around $50,000 -- just think of the shopping!! Regarding "time and space", I thought the placement of this piece was a little tacky. Surely, they could have placed such a phallic piece of modernization somewhere other than in front of an adult bookstore. Where do you think your piece would best brighten and enlighten the populace of Raleigh? (I can think of a certain address in the hayes-barton area of a certain senator with a certain disposition.)

Jacqueline Onmyasses

Marcia and Co. Respond (sorta)
Jacqueline -

Amanda B. Rekindwyth here, Marcia has asked me to respond to your questions, because I'm the one with public relations background. First, we prefer not to refer to ourselves as having multiple-personality disorder. We find the moniker "differently personalitied-blessed," to be non-linear, free of western-style thought, and more inclusive/representative our experience in this culture. Now regarding your specific questions: (a) question; did all of your personalities agree on the style of the Easter bonnet? Answer; actually everyone was given the opportunity to participate. Margeretta chose not to be involved claiming the whole thing seemed a bit "femmy for her taste" - - - but this was okay, because everyone in our little collective is empowered, ESPECIALLY Margeretta. The group decided on an eclectic blend of themes with the main thrust to be a sort of "neo-victorian camp" extravaganza. For actual execution of the project we picked Freddy, because he's "talented that way." (b) question; how do you manage to package so many free-thinkers in that teeny-tiny little head of yours? Answer; well darling the head on this body, which we all walk around in, is really no small thing - - - DAINTY we are not. But the real response to your question perhaps concerns how much room a personality really takes up, which is very little actually - - - personalities are about the size of a silver dollar - except in the case of one or two folks, whom I've recently encountered and who will remain un-named and thus un-maimed in this post, whose personalities can't have taken up any more room than the teeniest grain of sand. It might also interest you to know that most of our personalities reside in our heart - - - which is as big as all out doors. Finally (c) question; this isn't just some lame excuse to continue your bitterness, ie by living through it with each of your personalities? Answer; just what the F**K do you mean by this you evil little twit? Where the hell do you get off with a question like that you little puke you? I'm gonna come through the line and grab your little

Marcia here, Jacqueline darling, sorry about that little outburst. I guess you can see why Amanda is no longer working in P.R. for RJ Reynolds!!

Listen, I'd love to chat with you some more about applying for National Endowment for the Arts grant money. Between us, we lack enough taste to qualify for lots of money! Now I have to go do some damage control with Amanda.