Educating Rita-san! April 12, 1998 (and more)

Oh God, If I have to hear Celine one more time I am just going to scream! Every night, in my dreams, I see her, I feel her! Arrgh! Enough! The entire of Asia is completely enveloped in "Titanic" fever. You can get Titanic, watches, clothes, movies, CD's, re-mixes, poster, stickers, potholders...you name it! Gracious, I was even trapped in Pizza Hut and they put that damm song on repeat ...near...far.. .where ever you are... and literally played it over and over again. After the ninth time, I had to turn away from the all you can eat buffet and leave. That's how serious this was!

Well it is Easter Sunday and all of my bonnets are in storage so I dare not venture out into the daylight. I can safely stay at home now since I have furnished my place with the help of my little helper. You have no idea how close one can come to a divorce in the curtain section of IKEA. I am not sure if it is the cultural difference or the age difference but I nearly pummeled his little head right there with a curtain rod. Youth.

It is really embarrassing to have your entire CD collection referred to as "some cool retro stuff"...hey Rick Astley was HOT!

This is my conversation/lesson with my little one. I feel like "Educating Rita". I wish I could say that this was not typical.

Verl: The guy from "Wham" was arrested today.

Rita: From "Wham"?

Verl: The group. I have their "Retro" CD, George Michael, for soliciting a man.

Rita: Oh yes...He's gay?

Verl: [sigh]...Rob from Milli Vanilli died too.

Rita: Pity...cool retro stuff.

Verl: It was crap, even then!

Verl: Oh and Tammy died also.

Rita: Who?

Verl: The lady from the Stand-by-your-man song.

Rita: Oh...from KLF.

Verl: Yes [sigh] that too.

Rita: Now whose mother is she?

Verl: No one famous, if you must know Georgette who went to school with Marianne Merced.

Rita: Oh...I thought that Tammy was the mother of the Star Wars girl.

Verl: No [sigh] that is Debbie Reynolds, who played "Tammy"...never mind...go eat your noodles...

Well, I have news from the global trailer parks! I did get a report about our own Ronda Rooter (Rhoda's very much younger sister). This week Ronda is in love with a guy from [Atlanta/Charlotte/Washington/Fayetteville] and torn about it? I have not heard anything from Alana Empty in a while so I fear that the INS have gotten her mixed up with someone else and she is now in some holding cell in NJ, married to a nice guy named Hector, and awaiting deportation. T.J. (Actress) has several staring roles in NYC and quite a number of fervent followers. I had to explain to the dear thing that having a Security Guard follow you around a store, simply did not count as a stalking fan! Fame has gone to her head. Leeza informs me that Rolohantas and the rest of those fun gals in Raleighwood held a spectacular party and put the "Wicked" back into "Wicked Smile". Fun shenanigans were happening later that night at Debbe Reynolds' place but Debbe??? My reports state that your house does need some furniture. Try Ikea Child! Cheap and easy, just like you like them! Ms. Marta, in a violent coup d'etat has seized the title of "Queen of Carpet Land". No questions please.

Well I did promise to tell you about my corruption of the Singapore populace. It seems that I was invited to this lovely party a week ago. I had my suspicions about some of the crowd but things were going quite slowly until Yours Verly decided to introduce the crowd to the joys of tequila body shots. (Write me, at Verlene@Datalounge.com if you need the recipe). Well after a couple of shots, let me tell you...that closet door swung wide open and several sweaty soccer players decided to put on a little show for the old girl! I smiled, and, like Della Reese on "Touched by and Angel", I knew that my work there was done! It was time for me to move on to Taiwan.

Taipei proved to be much prettier this time around. Like Hong Kong, the entire city is covered in mold and mildew. My dear boss put me up at a new (read: cheaper) hotel. Who needed the luxury of the 5 star Hyatt? ME! THATS WHO! Well I ended up checked into what I am sure was a "Love Hotel". Rooms by the hour. Next to the shampoos and q-tips they has a complimentary condom and hairbrush! Now, the Hyatt did not have this. In addition, there was the 24-hour, all Japanese Porn Channel.

Have any of you seen Japanese Porn? First of all, you do not see anything. It is all censored out. All of the women wear white cotton underpants and pigtails (I guess to look as young as possible). During the actual act (I assume so, but cannot tell for sure) the Japanese girls turn their heads and scream as if they are in horrible pain. I guess it is all the Japanese version of fantasy! Maybe they are just playing that stupid Celine song over and over while they are filming! This would be my reaction!

I did love Taipei. I took a great walk down to the presidential palace where I walked past this handsome Taiwanese man with protruding pecs. Luckily, I did not respond to his enthusiastic "Hi" since I later realized that he was part of this large network of undercover palace guards. Thank you lord for taking care of me and not getting me into a Taiwanese prison.

By the way, you may have noticed that I could care less about what happened on the Oscars. I can just tell you that Ms. Driver isn't all that nice and sweet. At least not when you cross her on a manhunt.

Well write, if your nails have dried yet!

Yours in SIN!
Write me! Verlene@datalounge.com, Near, far, where ever you are!

V!