Today

So I've been indisposed for a few months, sue me. Fortunately, big surprise, nothing has changed: your leaders are content with sandbox slap-fights between each other and meanwhile the press can't be bothered with looking for real issues.

If you were to believe them, that is if you had the intelligence of a piece of kibble (and I'm seriously thinking that you might), you'd think the only news from D.C. worthy of slicked back hair and teleprompters is scandal and those other trivialities like health care, education, and the self-destruction of the former Eastern Block, have just become such an annoyance lately that it's better to ignore them until they go away.

Who's got time for solving, much less dicussing real problems when you want to know who paid what to sleep where with whom! As if one old filthy blanket was any different from another. Hell, if I could charge for my crate to pay off those legal bills from the last "aggression incident" as Trudy calls it -- you bet I would.

And even if someone did want to take 5 minutes to examine something other than the latest thrill, you know it just won't sell the soap. So much more interesting to invent news like Olympic bomb suspects and TWA terrorists - or how could I forget? O.J.!

Never before in all my 12 years has modern media expended as much attention - not even on the Gulf War; and never before has an event been as meaningless. Yes, it seems you all have managed to pass undisturbed in a mindless state from the elections into the valiant Second Term - the great bridge to the next millennium. Don't forget to wake up, or you'll miss the reruns!

Speaking of runs....

Bowel Report
Quite the opposite. Trudy has been sneaking these little white pills into my food every other morning and while there are other side effects that I'll discuss in more detail later, the current traumas seem to have solidified.