Episode #12

This time on BARBARA's

Barbara re-awakens, this time early in the morning as the sunlight filters through the bars onto her un-spf factored complexion.

"How unusual. I dreamt that I was in jail and that this handsome woman became this unicorn and ...

"Hey honey, could you clam the yabbering. I need my beauty rest."

Barbara turns and looks next to her and suddenly the horror of the past two days comes flooding into her head.

"Oh no. All of this pain and still I must find a reason to carry on. Perhaps they have a crafts work group in the afternoon."

"Sweet knuckles, if I have to tell you one more time to can the juicing, I might just make it unpleasant. 'Kay."

Appearing around the corner comes the prison matron, Sally. Sally sees the two women in bed, one asleep, the other afraid and has more or less imagined the events of the previous night. She thinks about disciplinary action, but remembers she has more pressing business.

"Prisoner 691307-F?"

Barbara, always a whiz with numbers, remembers even in this troubled moment, her new nickname.

"That's me, ma'am."

"Get your things and come with me immediately"

Barbara does as she is told, although she can't help wondering about the lack of information. She grabs her few remaining belongings, all she has left to remember her triumphant debut in the Data Lounge and mementos of her best friend Joan, whom she actually had forgotten about with all that had been happening. She follows the matron down the corridor, eagerly stealing glances into the other cells for glimpses of her brief neighbors.

"But, what is going on Matron Sally? Where are we going?

Matron Sally, looking towards her charge, chooses not to respond, thinking that she should save the devastating news until the last possible moment. Barbara seems near tears at the unfamiliar hustle and bustle that is everyday women's prison life. Matron Sally leads Barbara towards the front door and out into the sunshine and freedom.

Then into the paddy wagon.

"But please Matron Sally, where are we going?"

Look Prisoner 6913... Barbara, you are being transferred to The Bastille in Paris."

Barbara's vision clouds and she is lost in the shock of this happy news.

"Oh oh oh. I just love opera and I heard that they might be doing Turnadot with Domingo. And I so identify with the slave girl, although I really wish she wouldn't die so soon because the Prince should save her and not marry the evil Princess Turandot, although she really sees the light in the end but then again she really didn't like men much to begin with and really didn't want to get married, and if you ask me ..."

"No Barbara, the Bastille as in the prison... Marie Antoinette... guillotine. It seems that Areta von Kass was a French citizen and aristrocracy. I don't know if you did it or not, but I sure hope you speak French or you are in for real trouble."

"Oh."

"Seeing as this von Kass person was so well-known and all, they are taking extra measures to ensure that you arrive without a scratch. At least you will enjoy this trip in case it's your last. Sorry Barbara, for your sake I hope you did it, because this might all be really tragic if it were some big mix-up."

The matron slams the back of the wagon and it speeds off towards the airport. Barbara ruminates for awhile on what all this could mean.

"My little wiggle-wattle, aristrocracy? Well-known? Without a sous to her name? Something is rotten in Newark! And it would seem I am at the bottom of it."

Arriving at the airport, Barbara is led straight onto the empty plane and seated in first-class. Hardly has she had time close the overhead bin, fasten her seat belt and make sure that her seat back is the in the full and upright position, the plane begins to taxi and in seconds they are airborne. Barbara is served a delightful repast including complimentary beverages. After all, it is a French airline, and although Barbara is most likely an enemy of the state, that's no reason to create an unpleasant dining experience.

In no time, they arrive in Paris and Barbara is whisked into a waiting limousine and taken into town. The car is driven by a local policeman, with another in the back with her. As they near the city, the sights begin to resemble all the old musicals that Barbara used to watch in happier times.

"Look there's the street where Gene Kelly danced with that funny kerchief around his neck. And over there was where Paul Newman fell for what's her name because she was dressed like an expensive French courtesan, and over there was where Louis Jourdan went round and round the fountain and sang about his love for the ever attractive, but somewhat quite younger Leslie Caron. AND LOOK LOOK LOOK, just like in Funny Face!!!!"

At this point Barbara practically pops out of the sunroof and the policeman, who has no idea what she is going on about, tries to restrain her in the car, but suceeds in just grabbing her legs.

"The Eiffel Tower ....."

Barbara is completely overcome with awe and realized dreams. How many times has she seen pictures, films, movies-of-the-week, sitcoms, advertisements and more featuring this most extraordinary landmark. As they stop in traffic, Barbara's staring becomes hypnotic for her, her eyes drawn slowly upward towards the apex of the tower. A burning sensation in the outer corners of each eyes begins to pique, yet she can't turn away.

Suddenly, a small dark cloud begins to form at the top, it grows larger and more distinct. Arms, legs and a head appear. It's Wiggle-Wattle, née Areta von Kass!

Live TrudyVision camera at The Data Lounge Network Operations Center

"Barbara, what are you doing here!"

"Oh Wiggle-Areta, it's such a long story, but you have to help me! I've searched for the SCSI bus impedance, but most of the public transportation I've seen so far seems to be in reasonably good order."

"Oh honey, I always wanted to take you to Paris. If we can just keep you from being be-headed, you'll be a smash in the clubs in the Left Bank. But right now sit tight and I have to figure out how to get you out of this mess."

"Oh Wiggle, I'm just so confused and who are you anyway, I thought you were just some little girl in need of love, homeless and living on the West Side Highway just like me?

"Barbara, much like yours, it's a long story."

The vision begins to fade on this last line and the blur that was Areta von Kass becomes the clouds about the Eiffel Tower. Meanwhile, the tears stream from Barbara's eyes and the wind slashes her cheeks as the limousine speeds through Paris. The policeman finally suceeds in pulling Barbara back into the car and closing the sunroof just as they round the corner and pull infront of the overwhelmingly unhappy Bastille.

When they stop, Barbara's door opens and a white gloved hand is held out to her.

"Entrez Madamoiselle. Je souhaite que votre voyage était bien."

What Happens?

• Does Barbara speak any Latin-based languages?

• Why didn't Areta/Wiggle help before things got desperate?

• Has Joan found out about Roberta?

On The Next Episode of BARBARA's

Endora Finn, showing up at make-up call in just too much rouge, is sent back to the honey-wagon for a touch-up where if she spoke French and simply listened to instructions she would have been on time and been recast in the role of the police-person in the limo, who having heard too much, may just possibly factor in Barbara's defense.