Episode #9

This time on BARBARA's

The morning after, Barbara awakens in her small cot in Beulah's kitchen dreamily remembering her triumph from the night before.

"I hope that Beulah isn't upset about what happened last night. After all, Ms. Max threatened me if I didn't go on stage and everyone was being so nice and all..."

Barbara realizes that she can't hear Beulah's constant snore from the other end of the extremely large luxury loft apartment. Barbara gets out of bed and pulls on her midnight blue peignoir, an opening night gift from Joan, and treads delicately over to where Beulah would normally be, but she's not there.

"Gosh, Beulah must have come home before I did because I was at Joan's until at least 4 in the morning..."

Barbara gives us a little smile.

"But her bed is still made up. Maybe she didn't come home at all. In fact, I don't remember her ever leaving after Ms. Max went into her dressing room. I hope she's all right."

Suddenly Barbara remembers that today is the day that Beulah had invited all Barbara's friends over to celebrate the holidays and Barbara still has to cook and clean and dress Beulah, if she comes home, and get ready herself! And, there were merely a few hours until the first guests are going to arrive.

Barbara puts on her dungarees and got to work. She avoids the more time consuming Martha Stewart type hors-d'oeuvres and goes more for the tried and tested cream cheese ham rolls, cheese balls and other quick yet elegant fare. In no time at all she has the place sparkling and smelling delicious.

Just as she is about to jump into a soothing bath, the doorbell rings with the first of the early birds.

"Drat, I just have to have a bath. Who could be so early?"

Clad only in a pink bath towel, she scampers to the intercom.

"Yes?"

"There's a Ms. Joan here for you."

"Oh, please send her right up."

Barbara exhales in relief. Thank goodness it's just Joan. Now Joan can take care of those last minute tasks while Barbara has a chance to relax.

Barbara rushed to leave the front door open and just as she is doing so, in walks Joan with a rather large and seeminly heavy box.

"Joan, you look great and what's in your box?"

"Well, I thought you might have forgotten to get some fruit juices and seltzer waters with all the excitement of last night and so I brought some extra."

"You're just perfect and I am a complete mess. Could you just check over everything to make sure it's all right and in the meantime I am going to take my bath which I so desperately need. I'll leave the door open so we can talk."

The two women go merrily about their tasks chatting all the while. It seems that Joan wasn't quite sure where a number of kitchen items are placed and spends quite a lot of time at the bathroom door.

Everyone is finally ready and in no time the buzzer starts to ring so much, that Barbara remembers to call the doorman and tell him just to let anybody up. And he does.

Two hours later the party is in full swing. Warren, Rob and David are there, so is Ms. Max and half the building because Barbara has just about befriended everybody there. Everyone is having a great time, so much that no one seems to notice the rather dour, but not unattractive man dressed in black staring intently at Barbara.

Barbara has just been dancing with everyone, even the girls, trying to be a proper hostess. She just finished dancing with Joan for what must have been the tenth time, when suddenly everything went all blurry and she began to stumble.

"Barbara, are you all right?"

"Joan, why I beginning to feel all woozy, like I'm losing control, like I'm being po...."

"Barabra!"

Barbara doesn't fall, but looks as if she's in a trance. And in fact she is! Her little wiggle-wattle is appearing to her in a holy vision!

"Barbara, Barbara, have you forgotten me so soon?"

"Oh, Little Wiggle-wattle, have you come back for me? Am I dying?"

You always were a bit over the top, you silly. NO, you are not dying, I just came back because I'm bored and I miss talking to you and well, frankly, I'm worried about you. I think you are in danger and I may be able to help if ...

"Wait, wait, WW, don't go, you're fading away."

"Remember to be wary of the SCSI bus impedance"

"Huh?"

The vision ended leaving Barbara dazed and confused with a crowd around her as she comes to and sees the rather dour, yet not unattractive man in black pointing a gun at her. Well actually at Joan, who was standing in front of Barbara protecting her and her, as yet, unknown holy vision. Barbara suddenly also realized that the man was speaking rather loudly at her.

Live TrudyVision camera at The Data Lounge Network Operations Center

"Barbara Marple, you are under arrest in connection with the murder of The Marquess Areta von Kass otherwise known here in the West Village as Little Wiggle Wattle"

Joan clutched her dear friend tight and as this sank in Barbara could only mutter into Joan's chest,

"How very queer."

A shot rings out.

What Happens?

• Who shot whom and from what grassy knoll?

• And what about the second gunman theory?

• What the hell is a grassy knoll anyway?

• Do you suppose J. Edgar Hoover wore tulle?

On The Next Episode of BARBARA's

The recently crowned Princess Agnesca spends too much time adjusting her tiara instead of her attitude and consequently misses the filming of the next episode where if she had stayed she would have replaced Princess Vermillion as Barbara's cellmate, the fading butch chanteuse who sells Barbara for a pack of Camels.